Apostate
Ben Rukhsana
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Testimony
I have been a practicing Muslim
since I was a little boy. My parents are what
British newspapers would call practicing moderate
Muslims, as were their parents. I grew up aspiring
to devote my life to Islam by becoming a religious
scholar. This ambition seriously affected my
social and work life, which is something I deeply
regret now. My greatest regret is how Islam
affected my academic life. Up till age 16 I
was a good student and earned good grades. At
16 I was influenced by Muslims following the
Salafi interpretation of Islam. It’s at
this time when my interest in studying dropped.
I spent most of my time reading Islamic books
and going to Islamic lectures, even at the expense
of missing my college classes. I completed my
course with poor grades but somehow got into
university to study law. After one year of law
school I was persuaded by friends to drop out
and transfer to another university to pursue
Arabic language studies with the hope of eventually
studying in Madina University in Saudi Arabia.
I studied Arabic at university for 3 years including
a year studying in an Arab country. Throughout
this time my circle of friends changed to one
who practiced a very orthodox Salafi interpretation
of Islam. It did not allow co-education. Since
this was unavoidable at university, I left.
Even though I only had one year of studying
before graduation!
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I left Islam in 2003. Since I dropped out of university
I had more time to study Islam. To my horror I came
across certain things in the Quran and Sunna which
shook my belief in the Quran as a divine book and Muhammad
as a prophet. Firstly, Allah’s saying in the Quran
that husbands should beat their wives if they are disobedient.
Islamic scholars say that beating is a last resort and
that the beating should be done in a way that does not
cause injury. That doesn’t make it any better
though, a beating is a beating! Secondly, Muhammad having
sex with Aisha when she was just nine years old. Apologetics
say that she had started menstruating so it was ok.
But the authentic hadiths show that she was still a
child psychologically because she was still playing
with dolls. In my view, Muhammad was a pedophile. These
were the two main reasons why I left Islam.
Since my apostasy I have shaved off my long beard which
I have had since I was 16. It deeply shocked my family
and friends to see me clean shaven and no longer praying
and reading the Quran regularly so I can imagine their
reaction if I tell them I am no longer a Muslim! That
is why I am going to keep my apostasy secret from them.
At the moment they think I am still a Muslim but just
not practicing. Since my apostasy I have re-examined
my beliefs about everything. I still hold on to many
of the good things I have learnt such as honesty, being
just, kind, polite, respect for elders, giving to charity
etc. However, I have discarded all the evil and intolerant
teachings of Islam and I am re-reading the Quran and
Sunna with a very critical eye. Now I am just concentrating
on being a good human being and making a positive contribution
towards society.
I was very happy to find this web site and others like
it. It’s very comforting to know that you are
not alone.
Yours faithfully,
Ben Rukhsana (pseudonym)
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