Testimony

I went through a phase in my life in which I wanted to learn about religion, I wanted to increase my knowledge on my deen, my faith in the one and only creator Allah, I wanted to be able to say to people im knowledgable about Islam, I can answer questions you have, let them know they could ask me what they to know about islam, at the same time I wanted to make my mother proud, my self proud, and the rest of muslims proud since my mother was upset much of the time due to my limited knowledge on my religion, she would say im just like the christians, and that I should know more.

So I dived into books like a Olympic Pro and listened to lectures with a fanatical fervor, I soaked in knowledge like a sponge in a great ocean. The more i read and gained knowledge in Islam the more questions I had, the more windows appeared with the shades drawn down, and the more things seemed to make no sense. I wanted to open these shades and reveal what was outside, I wanted to see te answers thus having a explanation that satisfied my apetite. Verses didnt seem rational or fair to me, the nature of contradictions within the text bothered me and buzzed around me for many months, it was a insect and the more I learned the more I felt as if i was a peace of feces in a New York alleyway, the greater the odor of questions grew the greater the buzzing.

I searched the whole world wide web for a explanation, a remedy, a theological Raid for the verses that I had problems with, I wanted answers just like any other person searching for it. After a long safari searching for a Raid which would cure my troubles, I came across some answers, I found some can's of Raid. Happy and Full of joy, anticipation , I was going to be cured. I sprayed the canister, again, again, again........Nothing! No fuel, no drizzle no chemical......No answers, these were attempts at answers, but they were not acceptable for me.

It wasnt over, that was just Qur'an, Hadith was a whole different ball park, it was a colloseum, a battlefield full of death and absurdity in which I think most muslims have a problem and struggle with. Black dogs are shaitaan, woman are deficient in mind, killing of apostates, caravan raiding in the holy month, Muhammad getting more wives than the rest of the muslims, cursing, angels with 600 wings, magic spells, Jews turning into monkeys, sex with slave girls, killing for apostacy. STOP! I was already skeptical of christianity since i frequented rooms on chat programs and read various books and articles that were skeptical of that religion, I read some of the volumous works on biblical criticism, that religion was debunked in my eyes, it was not important, it was debunked, proven to be a assortment of contradiction and absurdity, Old testament in fact reminded me much of Hadith, but this was something I could not see until my apostacy.

I started looking at my own religion objectively, what else could i possibly do to save myself frm the fire of hypocrisy? I didnt want to be a hypocrite anymore, I didnt want anything to do with that title. I dont want to judge other peoples religions before my own anylonger, I want to look into what I believe and see if it holds up. I went through alot of denial, trying to find explanations for verses, playing mental gymnastics, just keeping myself biased due to the belief that I had since I was a child. But I grew in my education and my quest for knowledge and started to read more philosophy and science, history and things of the sort, started to actually bite my tongue and read the skeptical info on my religion, dive into fear with the curiosity of a black cat, listened to freethinkers and people who held no faith, people who criticized religion of this sort. They used reason and logic to discuss religion and didnt play tennis with religous scripture, this appealed to me, because it appealed to making sense, and it appealed to logic, and made me appreciate religion not as a divine truth from a creator above, but as a historical document reflecting the manner of people of that time, a mythological mix with reality, a political mythology, I appreciate it as a window to the past and not a literal document showing absolute proof about the nature of things.Is it so wrong this world exists non-necessarily... causelessly? It exists for no reason at all....its mind blowing...its stupefying and impressive to no limit.

In a years time through education and critical thinking I departed my religion. I said bye, it was a struggle, a jihad...Call it what you want. I left the faith which i grew up with, that which I believed in. It was a emotional process, a bumpy descent filled with frightening turbulence. I landed safely, my world opened up to limitless interpretation, and I feel triumphant, my internal blitzkreig is over. I look over my shoulder and see the past as a lesson, a teaching about me and about others, a lesson in my life.

"People fare best when they look not to moral rules and principles, not to priests and churches, and not to creeds, but to the actual results of what they do." -- Richard Taylor