Testimony

I was born and raised as a muslim. I made salaah, I fasted, I celebrated Eid, I ate halal food, my dad never missed a Friday prayer etc, etc. I believed in Islam, though I have to admit that I never believed it was the only way (guess that didn´t make me a muslim really, seeing as muslims believe they are the chosen ones). There was too much fear in Islam.

I have always had a good relationship with God and have always felt his presence in my life. I had a very unstable childhood and spent a lot of time in contemplation of Life and its meaning.

As a teenager, I started reading the english quran, but there seemed to be no answers there on spirituality, but mostly information on how to physically live your life-what to do and what not to do. That was when my search began. Nonetheless, I continued with the rituals, while frantically thinking how to justify why a man would be allowed to have seven wives/ how it could be right to murder someone in the name of Islam/ Why some muslims believe it is not ok to drink but think smoking is fine and why most people fasted but complained relentlessly about it, but yet continued to do it.

When I asked my dad and other elders for answers they would say ´don´t question, have iman (faith). Recite the shahadat ´I bear witness that there is no God but Allah and Muhammed is his messenger´ and believe it.

When I was 18, I met my boyfriend, who is Hindu. I naturally assumed that if we were to get married, that he would convert to Islam, as others had done who had married into our family. My family assumed this too and didn´t even think of it as an issue.

However, after some time, I realised that my boyfriend was happy being Hindu and that I was unhappy being muslim, and yet I was wanting him to convert to Islam! Why? I didn´t even believe in it myself. When my family realised that he was not interested in converting, they tried to look for faults. The thing is there wasn´t much they could point at. He is vegetarian, he doesn´t drink or smoke, and he was always respectful, helpful & friendly. Members of my family would say ´He´s such a nice person. It´s a pity, he´s not muslim´

By this time I had started working and was living on my own. My parents had no formal hold over me, though they would gently insinuate that I would seal my fate in hell if I married a non muslim. Seeing as I was not living at home, and need not tell my whereabouts to anyone, I started exploring other religions. I visited the churches, Hare Krishna Temple and Sufi temple. I read up on every book about religion that I could. During this time I was in a constant state of confusion. I was looking for the perfect way of life. I needed structure. My boyfriend believed in God but did not really follow rituals, He believed in living according to your conscience. At that time I could not grasp that concept.

Slowly with time, I developed my own rules and beliefs, and realised that when you had an inner peace then you knew that you were doing the right thing.

Now it is ten years from the day I first met my boyfriend. I pray in front of the lamp with him, live according to my conscience and have a really strong connection to God. I do not fast, I do not pray to Allah, I do not believe in going on hajj.

My parents are divorced. I have told my mom how I feel about religion and Islam, and she has stopped keeping in contact with me. My dad lives in denial, and even though I have not told him directly ´I am not muslim` because I am too scared of the outcome, I know he knows. At the moment I am working abroad and thus it is easy to be just me, with no religious trappings. I know the day I tell my dad, he will have no choice but to not associate with me since it is what the community expects.

But soon, it will be impossible to hide because I want to get married and have children and I definitely do not want my children to be muslim...and also I am so tired of pretending.

I love my family and only feel sadness at their strange perception of a God who would insist that you have nothing to do with your daughter if she turns away from Islam. I do not feel anger of hatred because I once too was muslim and know that once you have been indoctrinated in Islam, you follow it´s rules blindly, unless you are willing to stop being fearful and open your mind to other possibilities.

Even now, I sometimes get the feeling that I will one day be punished for leaving Islam and then I brush the thought away, because I know that thought is a product of my upbringing and not who I am today.

I am grateful for this website which has made me realise that there are others who are suppressing their true identity; unfortunately the majority of whom live in muslim countries, which is definitely a much worse predicament.

I thank the Lord for making me a free thinker and I thank my boyfriend for guiding me to this new found freedom. I do not hate muslims(I have some genuinely good friends who are muslim), I do not hate anybody. I am only saddened that there are people like me who have to endure such great challenges to be who they really are.

Aum Nama Shivaiáh´- Honour the divine within.

God Bless

S